


if I get burned (at least we were electrified)

by Rubick



Series: The Song Series [2]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Badass Kady Wicker, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Emotional Risks, F/F, Inspired by Taylor Swift, Julia is Smart Yet Dumb, Light Angst, M/M, POV Julia Wicker, Red Stilettos, Song: Dress (Taylor Swift), Vaginal Fingering, bathubs, season 1 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:27:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26713693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rubick/pseuds/Rubick
Summary: Kady’s eyes are hard, cold, and sad. They’re darting around from Julia to anywhere else, almost as if it hurts to look at her. Julia’s heart clenches—is this where they’re at now? Unable to even make eye contact?“What else could you possibly have to say to me?” Kady asks, each word razor sharp, with edges to cut.Julia stands in front of Kady, moonlight streaming down on them as the party rages in the cottage behind them. It was almost exactly here, Julia thinks, that they had first met each other. The first time Kady had amazed her with her with magic that was as powerful and dynamic as she was, and knocked Julia completely off the garden path. Julia had just been too stupid to realize that she was never meant to follow the road most traveled.Julia takes one more step closer to Kady. She’s beautiful like this—wielding a ferocious devastation like a weapon. Even though it’s all directed at Julia, she takes Julia’s breath away.Determination and love swelling up inside her, Julia breathes out, “So much.”
Relationships: Eliot Waugh & Julia Wicker, Kady Orloff-Diaz/Julia Wicker, Margo Hanson/Alice Quinn, Quentin Coldwater & Julia Wicker, Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh
Series: The Song Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1916731
Comments: 15
Kudos: 51





	if I get burned (at least we were electrified)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [Dress](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_GneCw-IoA) by Taylor Swift.
> 
> This is completely independent of any other fic, lives in it's own little pocket universe. "The Song Series" is a collection of fics I write inspired by songs.
> 
> Awesome mood board courtesy of The Auditty!
> 
> The main ship here is Wickoff, but there is Queliot and Malice waving in the background. If you enjoy, please drop a comment or a kudos!

Now

Julia c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y steps into the cottage, her legs wobbling slightly. Julia wears heels almost daily, but six-inch stilettos are still a challenge. How she allowed herself to be talked into wearing these, she’ll never know. “They’ll make your legs look amazing,” Margo had promised as she’d shoved the shoes into Julia’s hands.

 _Totally not worth it,_ Julia thinks as she walks further into the room, which is already crowded with students dancing, laughing, kissing, and drinking. She tugs on the neckline of her dress— tight, black, and strapless isn’t usually her jam, but tonight it is. Her stomach is a ball of live wires, nervousness coursing through her veins which is… _new_ . She can’t remember the last time she was nervous about someone. She’d asked other people out before, had said ‘I love you’ before, but those experiences never came with a side of anxiety so intense her hands won’t stop trembling. This is new. This is _different_.

Her eyes search the crowd; she’s simultaneously hoping and dreading to see the dark, curly hair, suspicious eyes—she doesn’t find them. She does find a smiling, bouncing Margo, who all but knocks her over when she reaches Julia.

“Holy shit, Wicker!” Margo pulls her girlfriend behind her, and Julia sees Alice’s eyes widen as they move from Julia’s head, down to her painted toes that are starting to complain at being jammed into six-inch heels, and back up to her carefully curled hair.

“You look like sex on a stick,” Margo continues, grabbing Julia’s hand and twirling her around. Julia focuses on staying upright as she scans the room. “I _knew_ that dress would be perfect.”

“Yes, um,” Alice says. “You-you look very nice,” she finishes, her eyes lingering on Julia’s chest. Julia can tell from the flush on her cheeks and the slight slur in her voice that she’s probably at least three drinks in.

“Thanks,” Julia says, grinning, confidence returning. Even though this dress is definitely… out of her comfort zone, she knows she looks good. She can do this. “Um, I’m gonna get a drink. I think I’ll need one.”

“Oh, you won’t hear me complaining about watching you walk away,” Margo says, her eyes traveling down Julia’s form as she turns and heads over to Eliot’s drink table. Her eyes keep searching the room —no sign of her.

“And what can I get for—” Eliot’s voice cuts off as he realizes who is standing in front of him, and his eyes widen and his mouth drops very dramatically. Julia scoffs as she looks away, and then back to Eliot.

“Come on. I don’t look _that_ different.” She looks down at her dress—everything is still in the right place, nothing indecent, and yes she’s wearing this to make a statement to _one_ person, but apparently she’s statementing all over the damn place.

Eliot swallows, his throat visibly bobbing. “Quentin? Quentin,” he says urgently, his eyes still on Julia as he reaches to the side, tapping Quentin on the shoulder, interrupting what is clearly a very important conversation with Todd.

“What?” Quentin asks, allowing Eliot to smoothly pull him into his side and slide his arm around his shoulders. Quentin follows Eliot's gaze to—”Holy shit.”

Julia rolls her eyes, the brittle ball of nerves reforming in her stomach, and she wraps her arms around herself as Quentin breaks into a huge smile. “You look amazing! See, Eliot and Margo were right, the shoes… are so tall, god, how are you doing that?” He comes around the table and hugs her tight. The familiar feel of her best friend's arms around her instantly soothes the anxiety quaking inside, and she stands a little bit straighter (no matter how painful it may be to her toes to do so). “And whatever you did—to your face—it’s all great! Very—” Quentin looks to Eliot, for what, Julia has no idea, “hot?”

Eliot nods wordlessly as he grabs a bottle from the shelf behind him.

“Thank you,” she says, smiling in relief. “Have you seen her?”

“Um, yeah,” Quentin says, taking a gulp of his drink. Eliot is half-listening as he pours a shot of something into a glass, and slides it over to Julia. She picks it up, sending him a grateful look, and she downs it in one go. It burns and she almost needs to cough, but she enjoys the warmth that blossoms in her belly. He gives her a short nod and hands her a glass of scotch, which she takes with a second grateful smile.

“She was in the kitchen earlier, but I haven’t seen her in a half-hour or so.” Quentin walks back around the table and sits on a stool next to Eliot, who slings his arm back around Quentin’s shoulder and kisses his forehead. Quentin smiles up at him, and focuses back on Julia.

“So what’s the plan?” Eliot asks. “I’m pretty sure she’ll be non-verbal as soon as she sees…” he makes a gesture with his hand that encompasses the entirety of Julia, “all of this.”

“I’m not sure,” Julia says, as her eyes start searching the room again. “Just talk to her. Hope she listens.”

“She will,” Quentin says with an encouraging smile.

Julia focuses back on Quentin, and she’s suddenly so grateful that pre-teen Julia looked at him and saw so much more than anyone else did. “Thanks, Q.” She heads towards the kitchen, a woman on a mission, her steps much steadier than when she first walked in.

Quentin looks up at Eliot, who leans down and pecks his lips. “Aren’t you glad we were never that dramatic?”

Eliot stares down at Quentin, a look of incredulity on his face. Then he takes a gulp of his drink and kisses him again. “Yes, Quentin. Very glad.”

Julia searches the kitchen, but no sign of her. She heads out the back door, meandering among the partiers, waving away the cigarette smoke. Still nothing.

She sips her drink as she heads back in the house, through the kitchen again and back into the main living area. The room is dimly lit, the music is loud, and the air smells of sweat and whatever incense Eliot is burning. She can see Alice and Margo on the dance floor, Alice smiling in a way that is contagious to anyone near her, and Julia can’t help but grin at seeing her so happy. The grin fades from her face though, as she finally catches sight of _her_.

She’s sitting in the same small alcove where Julia saw her for the very first time, nestled in the corner, holding a cup, absently running one finger over the rim. Julia moves closer, her gut tightening as she forces her feet to move. She’s been thinking about this moment all day, and now that it’s here, the part of her that wants to flee and just not deal with the possible (imminent?) rejection is about to grow larger than the side of her that’s usually in charge—the side that blazes forward, consequences be damned, because she’s getting what she wants. And finally, she _knows_ what she fucking wants.

She downs the rest of her drink in one go, and sets the empty glass on a nearby shelf. Exhaling, she shakes out her arms—if her fingers would just stop quivering—and walks the last twenty feet to stand in front of her.

She’s dressed like any other day—tight black jeans, ripped across her thigh, displaying a few swathes of smooth, pale skin. No jacket tonight; just a grey strappy tank, dark curls cascading down around her shoulders.

She looks fucking incredible.

Julia, again, wonders _what the fuck_ she was thinking all those times when she felt this familiar swoop in her belly when she laid eyes on her and just dismissed it as happiness to see her friend. Yes, it was happiness, along with a heaping side of raw sexual magnetism.

She’s staring off into space, taking a drink from her red solo cup, not really looking at anyone or anything, when Julia’s shadow falls over her face. Her eyes jerk up over the edge of her cup, and they widen as she sees Julia’s face. Her gaze moves down to the rest of her—the skintight, strapless black dress that clings to every curve, legs that she really hopes look longer than her 5’1” frame, toe nails painted black, secured in a red pair of sky-high stilettos. Julia had spent an hour on her makeup—smoky eyes, glossy pink lips—and even longer on her hair. It was wavy and full, falling gracefully over her bare shoulders. She’d topped the look off with a golden necklace—half a golden heart, with the letters “BE BIT” (and half of a C) sloppily stamped on it.

Julia's heart has taken up residence in her throat, and she stands up tall, tossing her hair back. _You got this._

“Hi, Kady,” Julia says.

\--

_The Beginning_

_“I like it, Q,” Julia said, her large eyes taking in every inch of the cottage—the musical instruments attached to the walls, the large ‘TADA’ sign lit up near the kitchen, the shelves full of books. “It’s so… inviting.”_

_“Is the Attic not inviting?” Quentin asked as he plopped down on the overstuffed couch. Julia sat down next to him, pushing her bleached blond hair back behind her ear. The cottage is crowded with party-goers—the lights are still up bright, and the conversation is buzzing softly, but Julia suspected that would soon change._

_“It is, just in a… quieter way?” The dorm for knowledge students was above the library, technically in the attic—but it was much more luxurious than it had sounded when Professor Sunderland had first told her about it._

_The attic was spelled to be bigger on the inside—and Julia would be lying if she said she wasn't_ completely fucking hyped _to tell people she lived in an actual TARDIS. The population of knowledge students was small, though, and Julia had her own room—complete with a four poster bed that had a privacy drape around it, you know, in case she didn’t want her non-existent roommate to see whatever she was up to in bed. The attic had immediately made her think of the Ravenclaw house from Harry Potter. It was decorated with deep blues and white curtains, and since it was the top level of the library, she had an exquisite view of the moon and stars through her bedroom windows every night._

 _She loved it; the quiet solitude and coziness had made her feel right at home. The cottage though_ — _it felt alive in a way the attic never would. Like it was a warm, moving organism inviting anyone to come inside, have a drink, and be wrapped in friendliness and comfort._

 _Julia saw a woman sitting in a dark alcove, a beer bottle in her hand, chatting animatedly with a handsome man that she is pretty sure is in her PA class. Tonight he was wearing a shirt split open to his navel, accompanied with a scarf wrapped around his neck. He did have a really nice chest, and Julia was more than a little curious about a man with enough confidence to wear a shirt like_ that _as if it was everyday wear. But the woman… Julia was having a hard time taking her eyes off her, even with a set of amazing pectorals in the vicinity. “Who’s that?” she asked Quentin._

_Quentin twisted in his seat to see who she’s gesturing to, and he grimaced. “Oh, that’s Penny. He was my roommate before I got assigned here. A psychic. He’s kind of a dick.”_

_“_ That's _Penny?” Julia said, her eyebrows arching. “You didn’t say he was…”_

_Quentin rolled his eyes. “Trust me, the second he opens his mouth, he gets way less attractive.”_

_Julia grinned. “Well, anyway, that’s not who I meant. The girl, with the curly hair. Who’s she?” The weirdest tickle hit Julia deep in her gut when she first spotted her. The woman was laughing, her white teeth standing out against her lips, painted in a dark red. Her dark hair was long and curly, the dim light making the strands shine as she threw her head back, her eyes closing as she laughed. Julia's mouth went dry, and her pulse spiked as she crazily wondered if her skin was as soft as it looked._

_“Oh,” Quentin said, sounding even more put out than when he’d thought Julia had been asking about Penny. “That’s Kady. She-she’s a physical kid. I haven’t talked to her much, but she’s the one that busted the door down right before—well, right when things were about to get_ interesting _with Eliot.” Julia looked back to Quentin, a familiar look of irritation on his face as he glared at Kady._

_“Ah, so that’s the cockblocker?” Julia glanced back at Kady, whose gaze suddenly swung over to them. Julia felt her face warm at being caught staring, but Kady just stared right back. Julia could feel her stare like a physical touch, and goosebumps formed along her arms and the back of her neck. Kady smiled at her, and Julia couldn’t stop herself from smiling back._

_The spell was broken when Penny tapped Kady on the knee, and her head turned to him. Julia shifted back to Quentin, who was still frowning in Kady’s direction._

_“I mean,_ ‘let’s not talk _’, that’s pretty clear, right?” Quentin looked at Julia, his brow furrowed._

_Julia rolled her eyes. Sure, they could talk about this again, for like the twelfth time. “Well, that was, what, like two weeks ago? Nothing with Eliot since then?”_

_She talked to Quentin about his love life for twenty minutes and two drinks (each hand delivered by the aforementioned Eliot; from the smiles they exchanged, Julia had no doubt Quentin's sexual frustrations would be_ coming _to an end very soon—no pun intended), before the pair decided to head to the back patio for a smoke._

_“I’m thinking about going back to my natural hair color,” Julia says as she exhaled cigarette smoke into the chilly night air. The back patio was sparsely populated, a few students lounging on furniture or smoking. They were standing off to the side, by the edge of the green grass that covered the grounds._

_“Cool,” Quentin said. “You look great either way, but I prefer brunette Julia.”_

_Julia smiled wryly at Quentin and opened her mouth to respond when another voice broke in. “I bet that’s true.”_

_Quentin and Julia turned to see Kady and Penny standing next to them. Kady had a kind of half-smile on her face, and Penny was looking at her curiously, although the look turned to annoyance as soon as his eyes moved to Quentin._

_“I mean, it’s my opinion, so I kind of know it’s true that I prefer her as a brunette,” Quentin said to Penny, annoyance flashing on his face._

_Penny full on scowled at Quentin. “I meant that she would look great either way.”_

_“Hi,” Julia said, smiling. “I’m Julia.” She reached a hand out to Penny, who shook it. His grip was strong, and she felt familiar tingles slide up her arm as he squeezed her hand._

_Quentin rolled his eyes. “Julia, this is Penny and Kady, Penny and Kady, this is Julia. How have you guys not met yet?”_

_Julia shook Kady’s hand, and she almost flinched at feeling Kady’s soft, warm palm sliding against her own. She looked down at their joined hands, and then back up into Kady’s large eyes, which seemed to be dissecting her. Julia felt a wave of warmth crawl up her body as her stomach flipped._ Whoa, that’s new _, she thought._

_“You’re a knowledge student, right?” Penny asked. Julia dropped Kady’s hand, flexing her fingers into a fist as that warm wave surged straight through her body, all the way down to her tiptoes._

_Julia turned to him, trying to focus on his words. “Y-yeah!” she said, a little too eagerly. “I actually think you’re in PA with me?”_

_Penny nodded. “Yeah, I’ve seen you.”_

_They chattered a bit about classes, Julia so completely aware the entire time of Kady’s gaze on her. What_ was _this? Julia had never had this visceral a reaction before to anyone, let alone another girl. It must have been the booze—she was just feeling a little extra tonight._

_The conversation turned to what spells they’d learned so far, which led to a contest to see who could make the biggest firework display with their bare hands. Julia and Quentin could produce a decent show of sparks, Penny didn’t want to play, and Kady won handily, sending a colorful display of sparks high up into the night sky. They shot up into the air like a rocket, and exploded with a large boom. Julia jumped at the noise, and laughed as the colorful streaks cascaded downward._

_She had seen some impressive magical displays in her classes, but nothing so beautiful and alive, straight from a magician’s hands. As the sparks faded away into the chilly fall air, Julia turned her face up to the sky and let the light wash over her. Then she turned to Kady, who was staring not at the sky, but directly at her, with an expression on her face that Julia couldn’t read._

_Penny had maneuvered them so he was standing next to her, and he nudged her shoulder. She turned and smiled at him, riding high on the buzz of magic in the air (and probably a slight contact high from the smoke wafting across the patio). He was certainly charming, and didn’t seem as much of an asshole as Quentin made him out to be. But she knew that look in his eye—she was getting Best Behavior Penny, the one that he thought may have the best chance at getting into her pants._

_Quentin cleared his throat, asking Julia, out of the blue, “So how’s James?”_

_“Who?” Julia said, and then in her head,_ Girl. You need to drink some water and get a fucking grip.

_“Uhhh, your boyfriend?” Quentin asked, a note of laughter in his voice. “I should get you some water.”_

_Julia sighed. She could see a light dying in Penny’s eyes, and a slight frown on Kady’s face. “I’m just tired. He’s fine; I haven’t talked to him in a few days.”_

_“Dating a muggle?” Penny asked, taking another sip of his drink. At Julia’s nod, he said, “Better to just end it now. It’s not gonna end well.”_

_Julia rolled her eyes, any affection she may have gathered for Penny being replaced with irritation. “Thanks for the advice I didn’t ask for.” She could see Quentin smirking beside her._

_“Let’s go inside,” she told Quentin. He nodded and made his way to the back door of the cottage. Julia followed him, and was stopped by a warm hand on her wrist._

_She stopped and turned, ready to tell Penny what he could do with his wrist-grabbing. She was surprised to see Kady’s green eyes staring back at her._

_“He was right, you know,” Kady said. Julia felt the irritation turning into genuine anger—who were these strangers (really hot strangers, but still) to tell her what was right for her? If she wanted to make it work with James, she_ fucking would _._

_Julia opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, Kady continued. “You’d look way hotter as a brunette.” She let go of Julia’s wrist and turned back to Penny._

_Julia stared at her back for a moment, and then followed Quentin back into the cottage._

_\--_

_“I’m telling you, they’re both idiots.” Julia grabbed a Cheeto out of the bag, and leaned back in her chair. A dark brown lock of hair fell into her face, and she pushed it behind her ear with her free hand._

_“How could Eliot possibly think that Quentin was straight? He literally follows Eliot around like a lost puppy. I keep waiting for Quentin to hump his leg.” Kady shut her book, signaling to Julia that their study session was officially over, and it was time for tea._

_Julia tried to keep her smile contained, but it was so hard around Kady. She’d only known her a few weeks, but already she felt a kinship with her she hadn’t thought she’d find again with anyone. She looked forward to their study sessions, planned her week around them, really. The last person she had felt this comfortable with so quickly had been Quentin._

_“I have no idea. Quentin has dated women, he was in love with me for years, but he dated a few guys back at Columbia. Honestly, I think his sexuality is the one thing in his life he has no confusion about.” Julia wiped her fingers on a napkin and took a sip of her soda. “They seem to have worked it out, at least from what Quentin told me this morning.”_

_Kady rolled her eyes. “Yeah, the entire cottage is well aware of that. Tell Coldwater to get silencing wards up on his room, ASAP.” Her expression changed to speculative as she grabbed her own Cheeto. “So you and Quentin, you never…?”_

_“Oh, God no,” Julia said quickly. “I mean, Quentin’s a great guy. I love him, would kill for him. But I just… never wanted to go there.”_

_Kady nodded at her as she chewed, her expression thoughtful. “How’s it going with James?”_

_Julia shrugged. “It’s ok. We went out last weekend. It’s hard, not being able to tell him anything about what I’m doing.”_

_“I can imagine,” Kady said, wiping her fingers on her jeans._

_“What about you?” Julia asked. “Are you seeing anyone?”_

_Kady smirked. “No, I don’t really date seriously. I’ve seen a few people the past few months, but no one…” she trailed off, looking uncomfortable._

_“Special?” Julia finished for her, grinning._

_Kady wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Yeah,” she whispered. She looked up and caught Julia’s eye, and looked away. If Julia didn’t know any better, she’d think that Kady was nervous._

_Before she could open her mouth to ask, Kady said, “So, how many people did you date before James?”_

_Well, that was… not what Julia was expecting. She frowned, thinking. “Um, I don’t know. A bunch in high school, and a few in college before James. He and I met our junior year at Columbia.”_

_Kady nodded again. “So, um, you’ve only ever dated—”_

_She was cut off by Quentin thumping his messenger bag down on their table. “Jesus, Brezenski can be a real dick,” he said sitting down in the chair across from them._

_Julia didn’t miss Kady’s eye roll as she shifted in her seat. Julia smiled at Quentin, but she was still looking at Kady. “Oh yeah?” she asked._

_Kady cut in before Quentin could respond. "I'm surprised you can walk in a straight line today. I figured you'd be moving sideways after the noises Eliot pulled out of you last night." Kady half-smirked and half-glared at Quentin. Her expression turned to full amusement as Quentin turned beet red._

_"Um—I don't—we—"_

_Julia quickly took pity on him. "Just ask Eliot to ward your room. So you don't keep everybody up."_

_Quentin, thoroughly off-kilter, silently nodded, looking down at his bag as if it could somehow turn back the clock fifteen seconds before he decided to interrupt them._

_"Eliot probably gets off on everybody hearing," Kady said, standing and stuffing her textbook into her bag._

_"Kady!" Julia hissed, a frown on her face, even though she knew her eyes were smiling._

_Kady rolled her eyes. "I gotta go, but I'll text you later." Looking at Quentin, she said, "Hope to not hear you later, 'good little Q.'" Then she sauntered away._

_Julia turned to Quentin, who looked about ready to melt through the floor. "Well," she said, the corner of her lips pulling up, "sounds like somebody left out a few details this morning."_

_She put some of her attention into seeing just how red Quentin’s face could get, but in her head, she was still sitting across from Kady, ready to hear whatever question she had been about to ask before Quentin interrupted._

_\--_

_The Middle_

_“She’s in the back,” Quentin told Julia. He and Eliot were sitting on the couch at the cottage, Quentin reading while Eliot looked at his phone, one hand playing in Quentin’s hair. “She got back twenty minutes ago. Said she wanted to be alone.”_

_Julia nodded. “Thanks.” She turned and headed through the kitchen, to the back patio. She’d been thinking about Kady all day, unable to concentrate on studying, reading, anything. She’d almost felt guilty, as she should have been thinking about James, or whatever was next in her life. But James hadn’t crossed her mind at all._

_Kady was in a little clearing not too far past the patio. She was dressed in black pants and a black shirt. The matching black jacket that completed the pant suit was tossed over the back of a nearby chair._

_She’d set up several glass bottles on tables and chairs, and was sending little blasts of magic from her fingertips to destroy each one. Julia watched as Kady’s hands moved in a tut Julia had never seen before, and a beer bottle exploded into shards. It was a beautiful kind of carnage, her fingers moving so calmly and precisely, the shards of glass catching the light from the nearby torches as they spiral off into the darkness. It was a contradiction from the waves of rage and anxiety Julia could feel, could practically see wafting off of Kady’s slender frame._

_“Hey,” Julia said softly, stopping about five feet away from Kady._

_“Hey,” Kady said back, not taking her eyes off her targets. She took a swig from a beer she had on a nearby table, and then broke another three bottles in quick succession. “What’s up?”_

_“Came to see how you’re doing,” Julia said. Torchlight flickered across Kady’s face, and Julia could see tear tracks on her cheeks._

_“Just dandy,” Kady said, breaking the last two bottles. She picked up three more bottles from her feet, and the one she’d been drinking from, and set them up as new targets._

_“I don’t know if that’s true,” Julia said, taking a few more steps forward._

_“If I say I’m fine, I'm fine,” Kady said shortly, shooting a glare at Julia. Taking careful aim, she broke every bottle she’d set up in about five seconds._

_“Well, if this is you at fine, I don’t know if there are enough bottles in the world to handle you at amazing,” Julia said lightly as Kady sent a last blast at a potted plant. It exploded, dirt flying everywhere._

_Kady sighed and sank down onto a bench next to the picnic table, opening up another beer. Kady didn’t invite her to sit, but Julia did anyway, a few feet away from her on the bench. Julia’s heart ached as she looked at Kady. Julia had only known her for a few months, but she already thought of Kady as this wild, untameable thing that loved as fiercely as she fought. Nothing would ever take her down, or break her spirit. But tonight, she was hunched over, her hair hanging limply in her face. Her eyes, normally bright and alert, were weary, clouded, and bloodshot. She looked small, timid. Shattered._

_“I would've gone with you,” Julia said softly, after a few moments of silence. “Any of us would have.”_

_“I didn’t want you to go with me,” Kady said, staring off into the darkness._

_“Kady, your mom died, and you went to her funeral alone,” Julia said._

_“Yeah, I’m fucking aware,” Kady spit out. Julia looked to the ground, and Kady’s eyes softened as she glanced at her. “Sorry," she said, softer. “You guys have all your own shit. You just broke up with James, the physical kids are all up in whatever emotional crisis they’re going through this week, Penny is… Penny,” she said._

_“Kady,” Julia said softly. “Any of us would have dropped everything to be with you. You suffer, we suffer. Even in the worst of times, we can see the best of you. It’s part of being a friend.”_

_Kady raised her eyes to meet Julia, and her face crumpled. She leaned forward, burying her face in her hands as she sobbed. Julia moved over next to her, wrapping her arms around Kady’s shoulders, pulling her close. Kady leaned into Julia, turning and pressing her face into Julia’s shoulder. Julia held her, one hand caressing down her hair, holding her friend tight as she cried._

_\--_

_“Hey, so I got you something.” Julia’s smile was a thousand times brighter than the dim bulb hanging over the table._

_They were at a dive bar in Brooklyn—Margo had demanded a night out, and as she decreed, so it would be. Kady recommended the bar, and everyone was happy to not spend a half-hour debating where to go. Margo had bitched once they arrived and she’d seen peanut shells on the floor, but they had a great beer selection, and Eliot had promised dancing after. Which, judging from how Quentin was already tipsily swaying near the dartboard, would be quite an adventure._

_Kady smiled at Julia. Those smiles were rare in the past month, since her mom had died. Seeing it always made Julia so happy, made her heart beat just a little bit faster. “Why’d you get me something? It’s nowhere near my birthday.”_

_“I know,” Julia said. “It just made me think of you. Of us.” She rolled her eyes. “And, well, I just learned the spell.”_

_Kady’s eyes were curious as Julia reached into her pocket and pulled out something wrapped in her closed fist. Julia opened it to reveal a necklace—or two necklaces, really. Julia’s heart was beating widely in her chest, and she asked it to please,_ chill the fuck out _. It’s just a stupid gift, it’s no big deal. Kady leaned in to get a better look—”Best bitches?” she said in confusion._

_“I know, I know,” Julia said, laughing. She picked up a necklace—they were golden, each with half of a heart-shaped charm on it, that when you put them together, spelled out ‘Best Bitches.’ She gave one half to Kady. “It’s all the bodega had. But watch!” Julia moved and flexed her hand over Kady’s half of the charm, and a tiny little fireworks display exploded a few inches above it._

_Kady smiled and shook her head. “That’s… cute.” She held up the necklace to the light, running her fingers over the stamped letters._

_Julia socked her in the shoulder, and Kady looked at her in surprise. “You know, from that first night we met at the party? The fireworks you made, in the backyard of the cottage? And Quentin and I with our pathetic little sparks? I’ll never forget that; it was so beautiful and… unexpected. I’ll always remember that moment with you.” Julia’s cheeks were going to ache from grinning so hard, but she couldn’t help it. For the first time in a long time, she felt really good. And yeah, maybe it was a little weird or nerdy and not really Kady’s style, but whatever. She could deal._

_Kady looked at Julia, her expression turning serious. Julia felt the smile start to leave her face as she felt pinned down by Kady’s gaze. Kady visibly swallowed, and looked away. She pulled in her breath, and leaned forward, the necklace clutched in her fist, her green eyes locked on Julia. She smelled like vanilla and cinnamon. “Julia—” she began._

_She cut off as Penny appeared, thumping down his beer at their table. “Fucking pool shark,” he muttered. Julia turned to see Alice bouncing excitedly as Margo kissed her in victory._

_“Well, even I would have called that one,” Julia said. “Where do you have to take her?”_

_“To see some fucking horses. You know, those ones with the big hooves, from the beer commercials? At some fucking ranch in Missouri.” Penny rolled his eyes as he took a swig of beer._

_She turned back to Kady to see an annoyed expression on her face as she full-on glared at Penny. Julia looked back and forth between them, but Penny didn’t even seem to notice. “Well, maybe next time just bet money instead of traveling services.”_

_Penny nodded at her. “Can I get you a drink?” he asked._

_“Sure,” Julia said, nodding to her empty bottle. “I’ll have another.” She looked pointedly at Kady, who Penny was basically ignoring. “Do you want anything?”_

_Kady shook her head, trailing her fingers over the chain from the necklace, the charm still clutched in one first._

_“You usually a beer drinker?” Penny asked Julia._

_Julia shrugged. “I can be. I like trying new drafts. But I usually prefer red wine, or whiskey.”_

_“Noted,” Penny said. “I’ll keep that in mind for later this week.” Julia smiled as he made his way to the bar. She turned back to Kady, preparing to ask if she was ok, when Kady cut her off._

_“Later this week?” One eyebrow was arched, her lips pursed as she looked at Julia. Julia felt a ball of something in her stomach. Like she was in trouble._

_“Yeah,” Julia said, glancing down at the table. “He asked me out, and I figured… why not? James and I broke up a month ago, so I should try to move on. Start seeing people. Yeah?” She looked from the table’s surface, to Kady’s face, and back again. She wanted Kady… she didn’t know what she wanted Kady to say. But it was suddenly very important to Julia that she know what Kady was thinking right this fucking second._

_Kady stared at her, and she almost seemed to just... deflate right in front of Julia’s eyes. It only lasted a second, if Julia hadn't been staring right at her she may have missed the way her shoulders sagged slightly and her lips pursed. She seemed to throw it off almost as quickly as it came over her, and she very quickly sat up straight in her chair._

_“Yep,” she said, taking a sip of her beer, which was basically empty. “Great idea.”_

_Julia’s eyes narrowed and her brow furrowed as she stared back at Kady, her mouth dry as she searched for words to try to cover the anxiety that had just cropped up in her body. A heavy weight suddenly sunk into her side as a drunk Quentin wrapped one arm around her in a sloppy side-hug._

_“Hey hey bitches!” He looked at Kady, and at seeing her glare, quickly recovered. “I mean, uh, very respectable female friends. Wanna go dancing? Eliot says we should go dancing.” The Eliot in question appeared behind Quentin, smiling and waggling his eyebrows at them. He wrapped an arm around the back of Quentin’s neck, and Quentin quickly released Julia in favor of sliding over next to Eliot._

_“Sure,” Julia said, smiling while also raising an eyebrow at Quentin. “Maybe you should grab a bottle of water for the road…”_

_“Already on it,” Eliot said, holding up a bottle of water. “Come on, Q.” He opened it and handed it to Quentin, who took a large guzzle._

_Julia turned back to Kady, but she’d disappeared. “Where did Kady go?”_

_Margo and Alice walked up, pulling on their jackets. “She just left. Said she’d see us later.”_

_Julia frowned. That wasn’t like Kady. She wasn’t a huge fan of dancing, but get a few drinks in her, and she’d be out there with the rest of them. She should text her…_

_She’d pulled out her phone to do just that when it was rudely pulled from her hand. She looked up to see Quentin smiling way too widely and handing over her jacket. “Let’s goooooooooooooo,” he said in a sing-song voice._

_Julia grabbed her phone back, shaking her head. “Drink your water!”_

_Penny walked up, a beer in each hand. “Are we leaving?”_

_“Oh… yeah,” Julia said. “Um. Sorry?”_

_Penny rolled his eyes as they set the drinks aside and made their way out of the bar. The group chattered as they walked to whatever club Eliot was leading them to. On the way, Penny reached over and grabbed her hand. It was warm, comforting in the cold air. Julia smiled up at him, and then looked straight ahead. Her friend's laughter rang out into the night._

_Julia tried to keep the smile on her face. But without Kady there, it just didn't feel right._

_\--_

Now

“Julia,” Kady says, almost whispers, as her eyes travel up and down Julia’s frame. They settle on her eyes, and Kady stands up, Julia tilting her head back to maintain eye contact. They’re just a foot or so away from each other. So close, but from the look on Kady's face, still so far.

“Can I—can we—talk?” Julia asks. 

Kady’s face hardens, and she looks down at the ground, crumpling her empty cup in her hand. She looks back to Julia—“Don’t see what we have to talk about.”

She pushes past Julia and heads towards the kitchen. Julia stands there for one moment, and then turns and follows her. She can feel several sets of eyes following her as she follows Kady’s form through the kitchen, onto the patio, and beyond into the backyard.

Kady is walking quickly, and once Julia hits the soft grass, she stumbles on her way-too-high heels. “Kady-Kady, please wait.”

Kady turns and looks at her, and while Julia is still upright, she’s fighting a losing battle against… gravity, and her own lack of coordination. Julia finally just reaches down and yanks off the shoes, trotting after Kady in her bare feet, Margo’s very expensive, very high heels dangling from her fingers.

She comes to a stop a few feet away from Kady, the cool grass pressing against the soles of her feet. Her toes are so happy to be free from that prison.

Kady’s eyes are hard, cold, and sad. They’re darting around from Julia to anywhere else, almost as if it hurts to look at her. Julia’s heart clenches—is this where they’re at now? Unable to even make eye contact?

“What else could you possibly have to say to me?” Kady asks, each word razor sharp, with edges to cut.

Julia stands in front of Kady, moonlight streaming down on them as the party rages in the cottage behind them. It was almost exactly here, Julia thinks, that they had first met each other. The first time Kady had amazed her with her with magic that was as powerful and dynamic as she was, and knocked Julia completely off the garden path. Julia had just been too stupid to realize that she was never meant to follow the road most traveled.

Julia takes one more step closer to Kady. She’s beautiful like this—wielding a ferocious devastation like a weapon. Even though it’s all directed at Julia, she takes Julia’s breath away.

Determination and love swelling up inside her, Julia breathes out, “So much.”

\--

_The Beginning of the End of Then_

_Julia sniffled, her hair a jumble of hairpins and curls atop her head, which she thumped back on the inflatable pillow. The water sloshed in the tub as she stretched out a leg, the swathes of bubbles jiggling on the surface with the movement. One of the best perks about the attic was the bathroom, where Julia was currently getting tipsy—the dorm had more than one, obviously, but this one was ridiculously extravagant. It was all black and white tile, blue rugs and towels, and a tub big enough for two, if the mood struck. Julia wondered how many times it had, in the history of Brakebills._

_Julia grabbed her wine and took a sip—one of those rubber wine glass holders that suction cupped to the wall was stuck on the side of the bath. She sent a mental ‘thank you, hope your life is better’ to whichever Knowledge student needed wine with their bath enough to install it._

_Tonight she definitely fucking needed it. Her social life was a complete disaster. She’d skipped all her classes so she’d have more wallowing time in bed. She had loose plans with Quentin tomorrow to binge the extended editions of Lord of the Rings._

_She liked Penny, she did, but… he just wasn’t right. He was warm, comfortable, sturdy… but Julia couldn’t escape that little voice niggling in the corner of her brain, that little poke in her ribs that kept her up at night. Telling her there was more. Something right there, just out of reach that could be hers if she just got high up enough on her tiptoes, stretched that last little inch to the top shelf._

_Usually Julia shushed that voice. She’d done that with James, until their differences became too large to ignore. Sometimes she wondered, if she hadn’t found Brakebills, if magic hadn’t found her, would she have married James? Would she have lived her life that same girl always reaching up, stretching, grabbing nothing but air?_

_She liked to think she wouldn’t have. But the truth is she had no idea._

_Now, as tears tracked down her cheeks, she wasn’t even sure what she was crying for. She’d felt nothing but relief after she’d let Penny down as gently as she could. The pain in his eyes had twisted her heart, but she knew it was for the best. Even with James, while she mourned the end of the years they’d spent happy together, the freedom that came with letting go of him, of that part of her life, far outweighed any regret she may have felt over hurting him._

_All she knew was that she had a hole in her heart, and right now, it fucking hurt. How would she fill it? Fuck if she knew. But attempting to see if wine could plug it up wasn’t the worst idea..._

_She’d been laying there just long enough for her rainbow lavender bath bomb to disintegrate to the point that it could no longer be considered a bath bomb when a soft knock came to the door. Her head jerked up as she looked around. “Uh… who is it?” she called out, sinking just a little bit further under the bubbles. It_ was _a shared bathroom, but it was like ten at night on a Saturday, and the attic was basically deserted._

_“It’s me,” came a soft voice. "Just wanted to make sure you were ok." Tingles shot up Julia’s spine as her eyes widened—she’d know that soft roughness anywhere._

_"Yeah, um. You-you can come in." She moved her fingers in a quick tut to generate a few more bubbles. She didn’t need to give Kady a show._ Unless she asks _, came that voice in the back of her head, in a lot more of a suggestive tone than it had ever used before._ Whoa _. Maybe she had enough wine._

_Nah._

_"I just wanted to check, I don't want to disturb-"_

_"Kady, fucking come in."_

_Julia smiled as the door opened, shifting up in the tub. Not enough for her breasts to be visible, but enough so that she wasn’t chin deep in warm water. Kady stopped in her tracks as she walked in, her eyes widening._

_“Um, sorry, I—I didn’t, um—” Her eyes bounced from Julia’s face, to the bubbles in the tub, to the soft blue bath mat, to Julia’s knees just poking up out of the water, to the toilet, to the area just below Julia’s face, to the back frosted window—_

_“What did you think I was doing in the bathroom?” Julia said, grinning, suddenly feeling much lighter._

_“I guess I hadn’t… thought that far ahead,” Kady said, her cheeks coloring as she stood rooted to the spot, her back against the door that had just clicked shut._

_Julia’s jaw dropped. “Are you… blushing?? A naked woman is what it takes, huh?” She waggled her eyebrows as she took another sip of her wine. She almost felt like she could float up and out of the tub. Hrm. She’d never tried levitation—maybe she could? She was about to set aside her wine to try when she remembered—oh yeah, naked. And Kady._

_“It’s fine,” Julia said, scooping up a little pile of bubbles and blowing it in Kady’s direction. “I got bubbles!” She held up her wine glass. “And wine! Come in. Join the party.”_

_Kady’s feet appeared to be stuck to the floor; she was staring at the tub full of bubbles and the naked Julia within like it was a rattlesnake ready to strike. Finally a small smile formed, and she walked over and sat down on the fluffy bath mat, gingerly leaning her back against the tub, her face firmly forward. She could turn her head to the right and see Julia’s face, and she did just that as Julia smiled at her._

_Kady picked up the empty wine bottle on the floor. “You drank this whole thing yourself?” She brought it up to her nose, sniffing it and recoiling. "What is that, strawberries? What is this crap—Boone's Farm?"_

_Julia giggled. “I dunno. Feels a little heavier than that. It was just in the fridge. It was already halfway gone when I started. I did bring another though…”_

_“I see that,” Kady said, grabbing the other full bottle, spelled to stay cool._

_“Join me!” Julia said. “I only brought one glass, though.”_

_“That’s ok,” Kady said. She set the bottle down on the tile floor, moved her fingers in a simple tut, and stared at it as nothing happened. She laughed—“Of course it’s a fucking twist off.” She easily twisted open the cap, and took a swig directly from the bottle. She grimaced, wiping her mouth. "God, that's so sweet it hurts." She took another drink, and set the bottle down next to her._

_“So,” Kady began, looking-not-looking at Julia out of the corner of her eye. “How are you doing?”_

_“Just dandy,” Julia said, the smirk spreading on her face. She was warm from the bath, but now she felt a different heat spread through her body, settling right at her core. She absently rubbed her thighs together, one palm settling against her stomach under the water. She’d spelled it to make sure it stayed warm for as long as she wanted, with not so much steam fogging up the room. Nothing much she could do about her pruney fingers and toes, though._

_She stared at Kady’s black curls, the heat from the bath already starting to make them wilt. She reached out and wrapped one finger around an errant lock of hair, the texture so soft and pliable against her wet skin. She felt light-headed, and she breathed out slowly as she stared at the lock of hair against her pale finger._

_Kady’s head moved slightly in Julia’s direction, and she saw Kady swallow. Kady’s face was free of makeup, her flawless pale skin a remarkable contrast against her dark hair and black shirt. Her full lips parted slightly as she reacted to Julia’s touch, her normally bright green eyes dimming to a dark emerald color. She was so nice to look at._

_“You don’t look very dandy.” Kady took another swig from the bottle. Julia tracked the movement, Kady’s lips wrapping around the rim of the bottle and sucking down the sweet wine. She wondered how it tasted against Kady’s tongue. She’d said it was sweet... Beneath the bubbles, her fingers trembled against her belly. “Penny is pretty torn up. You gonna leave a string of broken hearts across campus?”_

_Julia slowly registered the question in her brain, which felt like it was full of cotton. She physically shook her head, releasing the strand of Kady’s hair and grabbing her own glass and taking a drink. “It’s not in my five-year plan…”_

_Kady chuckled. “I don’t even have a five-day plan.”_

_“Plans are overrated,” Julia said, a bit of wine splashing down her chest. “Oh, shit.” She put her glass back in it’s holder and reached to pat the spilled wine away, but it was already gone, being in a bathtub and all._

_Kady turned her head over her shoulder, smirking. “Maybe that should be your last glass.”_

_“Yeah, maybe,” Julia said, leaning her head back on her little inflatable pillow and closing her eyes. Her favorite bath accessory, by far._

_Well. Maybe the little silicone wine glass holder could give it a run for its money._

_They sat in silence for a few minutes, Julia feeling like she was drifting on a boat in a dream, until Kady said softly, “Wanna talk about it?”_

_Julia sighed, the water moving as she shifted. Her hair was still up in it’s messy bun, but she could feel escaped tendrils stuck to her neck, the side of her face. She opened her eyes and turned her head to Kady, her eyes tracing over the side of her face. One half of perfect lips, the profile of her upturned nose and chin. One ear… Julia had a sudden urge to reach out and trace her finger along the outer edge, to feel that soft skin and see how Kady reacted to her touch, and her hand was halfway out of the water before she caught herself._

_“Yes. No. I dunno,” Julia said, her hand softly splashing back down in the water. “I like Penny. He’s a good guy.” She saw Kady’s eyebrows arch, the corner of her lips quirk. “He was just… kind of like James?”_

_Kady turned her full face to her, surprise written all over it. “When you described James, he seemed more like a preppy jock, not an… asshole psychic with a penchant for showing off his tits.”_

_“No,” Julia said, chuckling. The air was so hazy, but it wasn’t a dream. This was real. “He-he felt like James. He was safe. Solid. But there was no… it wasn’t…” She struggled for the words._

_“Passionate?” Kady asked, grinning. “Fiery? Horny??”_

_Julia sent a splash of bathwater and bubbles at Kady, and Kady ducked and squirmed, laughing as the water dripped down her back. She shifted, settling right next to Julia’s head, out of the wet spot that was now on the rug. A few patches of clear water appeared on the surface of Julia’s bath water, the bubbles having dissolved, but Julia couldn’t find it within her to care. “Dick,” she said, giggling._

_Then she sighed, moving away from her amazing little pillow, leaning over to rest her arms on the rim of the tub, next to Kady. “Yeah, I guess.” She paused, and said, “When I was little, Q and I, we created this whole fantasy world based on the Fillory books. You know them?”_

_Kady looked at her with wide, sarcastic eyes. “Is that a serious question? Yes, I know Quentin Coldwater, so therefore I know Fillory. I’ve sat next to you two way too many times while you talked about the Forbidden Forest.”_

_“The_ Flying _Forest,” Julia corrected sternly, gently smacking Kady with one hand, her breasts lightly pressing against the cold side of the tub. She quickly pulled her arms back in to rest along the side. She didn’t miss Kady’s quick glance down to her chest. Beyond the changing rooms at the gym and the doctor, had another woman ever seen her breasts? Seen them like James had seen them? Like Penny had wanted to? She didn’t think so._

_Julia cleared her throat, forcing her focus back to their conversation. “So, we were kings and queens of Fillory, because that’s what Children of Earth were when they went there.”_

_“Naturally,” Kady said, taking another slug from the wine bottle. “And you would dream about some prince from another kingdom sweeping you off your feet?”_

_Julia paused. “Yes and no,” she said. She closed her eyes as she remembered, the warm water swirling around her lower half. Goosebumps were forming on her upper back as the cold air kissed it. She couldn’t see it, but she could feel Kady’s gaze on her, and it lit her up from within. “I mean, I kind of always imagined myself being the one doing the sweeping, I guess? You know, um, sword fights and leading an army of talking animals into the fray, to win the day and the heart of… someone, be it a handsome prince or… whoever.” She felt the corners of her mouth perk up, not sure why it was so important that she made sure that she was open to ‘whoever.’ “It just always gave me a rush, that kind you can only get when you’re young and have your entire life ahead of you. And I guess I just keep searching for that same rush. But like, I’m not a kid anymore. I’m an adult and it doesn’t work that way. But my heart doesn't really get that. So I just keep looking, you know?”_

_She opened her eyes, to find Kady staring at her, her full lips parted, eyes somehow the darkest and brightest green Julia has ever seen them. Julia’s breath caught in her throat; the intensity she saw gazing back at her wrapping around her like an inescapable prison. One that Julia felt she could happily live in for the rest of her life. Julia had spelled away the steam, but she felt like it was there anyway, thickening the air as she suddenly felt like she was drowning and flying all at the same time._

_Julia’s heart was in her throat as it suddenly tripled in speed, thumpthumpthump so fast against her chest she was sure Kady could hear. Kady sucked in a breath, and whispered, “Yeah. I know.”_

_Julia let one hand reach over to grasp Kady’s wrist just as Kady leaned forward. Julia’s eyes closed as Kady’s lips just brushed over Julia’s face, on the side of her nose, almost her cheek but not quite. It was a weird place to be kissed. But as Kady slowly pulled away, Julia’s eyes opening, the shockwave of pure heat and lust that shot through her was anything but weird. It was fucking unreal, acute, almost decadent in the way it spilled over her skin, coursed through each limb, and settled right between her legs._

_Julia and Kady stared at each other, faces just inches away. Julia suddenly felt something click inside of her, like an indentation being filled, a sense of inevitability washing over her as she leaned forward and captured Kady’s lips with hers. Kady was frozen against her, the fruity taste of the wine still clinging to her lips. Then she came alive, her mouth moving, opening to Julia as her hands came up to frame Julia’s face._

_The fog that had been clouding her mind instantly disappeared, and nothing was more clear to her than_ this _, this woman, this moment, this ringing clarity in her mind that she couldn’t believe she’d gone years without knowing._

_Julia tilted her head, pushing closer, rising up out of the water as Kady shifted closer to the edge of the tub. Her nipples hardened as they finally hit the cool air, water droplets clinging to her skin like morning dew on the grass. She grabbed Kady’s waist, pulling her closer, her dry clothes pressing against Julia’s wet skin, rubbing against her chest._

_This was… this was intense. Her body was a collection of raw nerve endings, alight and sparkling with every touch of Kady’s fingers, every stroke of her tongue rocking Julia straight to her core. She didn’t want fabric, she wanted_ skin _, and she pulled up on Kady’s shirt, a gutteral sound in her throat as the palms of her hands splayed across Kady’s back. She slid them up and up, sliding over her bra strap, settling and grasping, pressing Kady as close as she could get. Her knees dug into the floor of the tub, but the irritation just mixed into the heady pleasure emanating from her entire fucking body. Kady, here, in her arms, pushing, pulling her somewhere she hadn’t even known she was so desperate to go._

_Kady gasped into her mouth and angled her head to kiss Julia more thoroughly, her hands sliding down Julia’s slick shoulders and arms. Kady reached down and pulled her shirt up and off, their mouths separating for only an instant before connecting again. Julia wanted to put her hands over every inch of Kady’s body, and she tried, one hand still hard on Kady’s back, the other running up Kady’s arm, her shoulder, her neck, her face. Kady was moving; Julia dimly registered the soft thunk on the floor that she realized was Kady’s shoes, and then her only focus was the warm lips against hers, stroking her tongue into that wet heat._

_This was it. That rush, that electricity that was going to fucking burn her alive, and she could not wait to be incinerated. Julia felt like she was being branded; a golden mark appearing anywhere on her body that Kady put her hands, and Julia hoped she would be pure gold by the time Kady had her fill._

_Julia was moving, being gently pushed back into the warm water, Kady’s lips still on hers, breathing hard through her nose. Her eyes flew open as her back hit the bottom of the tub and Kady followed, water sloshing over the side as Kady, still clad in her bra and pants, laid her full weight over Julia. Julia spread her legs as much as she could in the space, which suddenly seemed much too small, Kady settling right between them._

_It was tight, they were both small but even this tub was not really meant for… these activities, no matter how tiny their frames were. But who gave a fuck? Julia only felt Kady’s lips trailing down her throat, the drag of Kady’s wet pants between Julia’s legs. Julia hissed, her eyes snapping closed as Kady’s teeth grazed over her throat._

_Everything was warm and wet; her spell to keep the water warm still in place and it felt like it just kept getting hotter and hotter. The air was so thick Julia felt she could take a bite out of it, feel it slide down her throat. Julia’s fingers caught on the band of Kady’s bra, and she quickly unhooked it, Kady lifting up and moving her arms so Julia could toss it onto the bathroom floor. Then Kady was back, chest to chest, and Julia thought if it was possible to die from feeling everything everywhere at once it was going to happen right the fuck now._

_For the first time in her life, Julia was thankful for her shortness as she was able to stretch out one leg and her foot just barely hit the side of the tub. Kady’s knees were bent awkwardly so she would fit, but she didn’t seem to give a shit. Julia’s brain wasn’t capable of coherent thoughts; only sensations—the scent of vanilla, fingertips trailing over her breast, teasing a nipple, down her belly, heat and sweat, soft, wet curls in between her fingers, a leg wrapping around Kady’s thigh, Kady shifting her body to one side, water everywhere, her wine glass holder failing at some point and the glass shattering on the floor beside the tub..._

_Kady’s fingers were between her legs, against her bare skin, pressure, swirling, Julia ripping her mouth away because breath was an essential commodity, her head pushing back against the fucking bath pillow,_ what the fuck have I been missing all these months _, electricity and fire all over her body, Kady’s harsh breath in her ear, tongue tracing along the delicate skin as she was inside Julia, her palm hard right against her clit, fingers moving inside her cunt, beckoning and coaxing an orgasm out of Julia that hit her so hard the world went white._

_Her arms trembled, hands tangled in Kady’s hair as her breath struggled out of her throat and Kady landed her forehead against Julia’s, her breath just as ragged and wrung out as it escaped her lips._

_“Was-was that ok?” Kady asked, suddenly sounding fucking shy as she laid topless over a fully naked Julia, her pants sopping wet, the bathroom floor full of water and broken glass and who even fucking knew._

_Julia laughed, the sound tinkling in the small room, wrapping her arms around Kady. “Yeah, it was pretty fucking okay.”_

_She felt dizzy, the bathroom moving a bit as she arched up against Kady, tugging an earlobe into her mouth. Whatever was happening, she was not ready for it to end. “Let’s move this into my bedroom?”_

_\--_

Now

Kady laughs humorlessly. “Yeah well, maybe I don’t want to hear it. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe you should have said it all a few days ago. You know, when I told you _I loved you_ and you just fucking stood there.”

“Kady, I’m so sorry,” Julia starts, the shoes falling from her hands to the grass. “You’re right. I should have—there’s so much I should have done differently. From the first night, months ago. I just—you caught me off guard. I had no idea that…” She trails off, swallowing, the words stuck in her throat. They are so big, irrevocable. And, as she gazes into that beautiful face, she realizes they had always been inevitable.

Kady watches her, arms crossed, face of impenetrable steel. But Julia can see it—a softness in her eyes. “No idea what?” Kady asks softly.

“That... _that_ is what it’s supposed to feel like,” Julia says.

\--

_The End of Then_

_Fuck, her head hurts. She groaned as she slowly floated into consciousness, her forehead pressed against her palm._

What the fuck did I drink last night? _Julia registered her bed sheet over her body, feeling it against her skin…_ all _of her skin._ I’m naked. _Definitely not her usual pajama situation._

_There’s a weight on her shoulder, across her waist and leg. Hairs tickling her lips. She reached up to brush them away, her eyes still closed, eye gunk in the corners, and her fingers brushed a lot of hair… attached to a head. She peeled her eyes open, the weak morning sunlight streaming through the windows too much, and she immediately closed her eyes. She tried again, opening slower this time._

_Okay. First thing is a head of black curls snug against her shoulder, and an arm slung across her waist. Julia’s mouth drops, and she followed the arm to a body, also covered in the same bed sheet, one leg thrown over her thigh. Julia squirmed slightly, and yep, yep, naked, all naked._

_Kady. Kady, here, in bed, naked with her. After…_

_The night before flooded back into Julia’s brain. She was upset. Baths help. Baths and wine. Crappy old wine in the attic fridge, whatever, she’d replace it later. So much wine. Kady, coming to check on her. Kady, all wide concerned eyes, Wine spilling over Julia’s chest. A kiss, right above her lips… and another one, Julia pushing into her, Kady settling over her, water everywhere, stumbling to the bedroom (were their clothes still there?), tangling in the bedsheets, Kady’s hands, Julia’s own surprisingly bold but inexperienced fingers moving as Kady showed her, Kady’s mouth, Kady, Kady, Kady…_

_Julia’s body stiffened as the sensations of the previous night (morning?) invaded her brain like the Great Shark Army swimming (marching? She was always confused about the landsharks actual physical mobilization) into Fillory. She hadn’t… Kady was her friend. She’d never done anything like that with someone she’d thought of as a friend first… and a woman._

_And as she listened to Kady’s steady breathing,_ wow _, had she been missing out. She’d never thought of her sex life as lacking, but she was surprised the Earth was still rotating properly on it’s axis, for how hard it moved for her last night._

_But what did this mean? She’d gone out with Penny hardly a month after she’d broken up with James, who she’d been with for years. And immediately after ending things with Penny, she’d wound up in bed with Kady. What happened now? What if they fizzled out and Julia lost a friend? Her best friend, she realized, after Q, at the very least._

_A tight wad of anxiety was starting to form in her belly, and her heartbeat picked up as she thought of a life without Kady. No. No, that couldn’t happen. Her hands tightened into fists just at the thought, and she tried to get her breath under control as she stared at the canopy above her bed._

_Her thoughts were moving so fast through her head, she didn’t notice when Kady sleepily picked her head up. “Hey,” she said groggily, pushing up on her elbow. Julia’s eyes darted down to her bare breasts, those pert little nipples, a flash of her lips tight around it, a slight tugging with her teeth…_

_She squeezed her eyes shut and moved to sit up in bed. Oh, bad move, as the pounding in her head just got louder. “Um. Hi,” she said, swinging her legs over the edge of her bed, grabbing her robe from the floor. She quickly shrugged into it, cinching it closed. “Um—” And she stopped. Because what the fuck is she going to say right now?_

_She felt Kady’s eyes on her back, and she closed her own eyes and_ will this fucking headache just go the fuck away _. She heard rustling behind her, and then, softly, “You freaking out?”_

_“No,” Julia choked out quickly. “Maybe.”_

_She heard a soft sigh behind her. “Julia—”_

_“I’m sorry,” Julia said, jumping up. She just—she just can’t. She can’t lose Kady. And that’s what will happen, right? She lost James. She never really had Penny, but she’s sure he’s gone now. She’s seen it happen—you fuck your friends, then you break up with them, and then they’re gone. And that just can’t happen. Not with Kady._

_She turned and saw Kady, pulling on her very wrinkled and probably not very dry pants and tank top. Her bra was just totally MIA. Julia swallowed, forcing her eyes away from the outline of Kady’s nipples against the fabric and up to the ceiling, down to her hands, anywhere._

_“What are you sorry for?” Kady asked, her voice short, bordering on… something. “I’m not.”_

_“Kady, I just… I mean, I didn’t mean to…”_

_“Mean to what? Kiss me and pull me back to your bedroom? Beg me to touch you?” Julia’s gaze darted to Kady, to the floor, and back again. Her mind was totally blank, just a white canvas that occasionally rattled in time with the pounding in her head._

_The silence stretched on, until—“Do you regret this? Last night?” Julia forced herself to look at Kady, and the naked vulnerability in her eyes made that hole in her heart, the one she’d tried to fill with strawberry wine, grow ten times larger._

_“I-I don’t know. Maybe?” Kady’s eyes closed at the admission. Julia hurriedly continued— “You’re one of my best friends, I—”_

_“You’re one of mine too, Julia.” Kady walked around the bed, coming to stand right in front of Julia. “These past few months... “ Kady looked down at the floor, and back to Julia’s face. “I wanted to tell you so many times. I tried—but it just never…” She shook her head, and sucked in a breath. “You’re my best friend, and I’m fucking in love with you.”_

_Now, the world_ did _tilt on its axis as Kady’s words left her mouth and buzzed on Julia’s skin, burning and tingling all over. Julia felt her mouth drop open as she stared back at Kady who, she realized, was looking for a response._

_This was—this was. A lot. This wasn’t where Julia imagined herself. This wasn’t the place she thought she would land. At magic school, in love with a woman. An amazing, extraordinary woman that she knew would move heaven and earth for anyone she loved._

_And that very small population now included Julia._

_This was so much. Too much. She pressed both hands to her forehead, tears welling up in her eyes. What the fuck?_

_“Kady, I’m sorry, I—”_

_Kady takes a step back, and Julia sees her eyes shining, “Forget it,” she said, backing away. “We’ll just pretend it never happened.”_

_And then she was gone._

_Julia’s legs nearly gave out under her, and she sat heavily on her bed, her head now spinning as well as pounding. Tears spilled down her face. What the fuck just happened?_

_She wasn’t sure how long she had sat there when an angry voice rang out from the hallway. She recognized it as one of her Knowledge dorm mates._

_“Oi! Who left this fucking mess in the bathroom?”_

_\--_

_Julia spent that day in bed, again, blowing off everyone and everything. Her hangover eventually faded, but the noise in her brain just kept getting louder and louder._

_What had she done? She’d kissed Kady. She’d... done a lot more than kiss Kady. And she didn’t fucking remember half of it. All day, flashes kept coming back to her—soft sighs in the darkness. A quick hand movement and candles lighting up. Soft fingertips squeezing her thighs. Hands pushing her knees apart. Her hand trailing lower, combing through the coarse hair between Kady’s thighs. Whispers of “show me,” giggles, gasps and moans. Kady’s tongue in the valley between her breasts, her stomach, trailing down over her clit…_

_She’d found her body lighting up as the memories played in her mind, and she’d had to stop her own hand from drifting into her underwear, letting her fingers attempt to re-enact every moment freeze-framing in her mind._

_She was never drinking strawberry fucking wine again._

_Kady loved her. Was_ in _love with her. She knew she loved Kady, that was a no brainer. But being in love… she’d said that to three other boys before. And she was pretty sure she had been in love with them. That’s what happened, right? You dated, you kept dating, and eventually you said you loved each other. That was how she’d always done it._

_She’d never done this… whatever had happened with Kady. She’d had drunken hook-ups before, but never any so… monumental. Last night… she liked it. A lot. She wanted to do it again. But not at the expense of losing Kady._

_Sometime around mid-afternoon she realized she was just going around in circles and grabbed her phone. She had 23 texts and 2 missed calls from Quentin. At first he was irritated that she hadn’t shown up for their planned Lord of the Rings marathon, and then concerned at her lack of a response._

_Sitting up, she texted back, ‘Be there in twenty.’_

_\--_

_“And now I am here. Telling you… everything.” Julia sat back against Quentin’s headboard, staring at her hands in her lap. She hadn’t looked at Quentin for the past ten minutes as she spilled all (well, almost all, he didn’t need to know everything) about her night with Kady. She finally glanced up at his face, and found an expression of such sympathy and love that her eyes immediately filled with tears._

_Quentin scooted forward, wrapping her in a tight hug. “Don’t cry, Jules,” Quentin said. “We’ll figure this out.”_

_“What if we can’t figure it out?” Julia said, openly crying into Quentin’s shoulder. “What if she hates me forever?”_

_“Well, it doesn’t sound like she hates you,” Eliot said, moving closer to Julia and resting a hand on her back, rubbing reassuringly. “In fact, it sounds like quite the opposite.”_

_Julia had come over for time with Quentin, but Eliot had been sitting with him, waiting in front of the laptop with a bowl of popcorn. At the look on Julia’s face, Eliot had immediately gotten up to leave, but Julia had said he could stay. She knew Quentin loved Eliot, and she had come to trust him over the past few months. What was another witness to her inevitable breakdown?_

_“Yeah well, you didn’t see the look on her face.” All Julia could see was the hurt in Kady’s eyes as she’d turned and left Julia alone in her room. It had haunted her all day._

_Julia pulled away from Quentin, and accepted the tissue that Eliot handed her. “You think she meant it, when she said she loved you?” Quentin asked._

_“Oh, she meant it,” Eliot said firmly. Julia and Quentin both turned to look at him. He shrugged and said, “She’s been looking at you like you hung the moon for months now. We all had bets on who would get you first, her or Penny. She owes me twenty bucks, by the way,” Eliot said._

_Julia’s mouth dropped and she looked accusingly at Quentin. “Don’t look at me!” he said, arms up in innocence. “I was not a part of any such bet.”_

_“You know how she feels,” Eliot said, Julia turning to face him. “How do you feel?”_

_How did she feel? That was the question. She thought back to the past few months, since she’d first come to Brakebills. That first meeting in the backyard of the cottage. Fireworks exploding in the night sky, looking up to see green eyes burning into hers. The nights of studying, talking, laughing. Breaking up with James, and the first person she wanted to talk to was Kady. Not Quentin. Not her sister. Kady._

_Hearing about Kady’s mom, and honoring Kady’s wish to let her go to the funeral alone, even though every fucking fiber of her being wanted to ignore her request and be there, by her side, hodling her hand. Kady sobbing into her shoulder that same night. Buying that stupid necklace, and actually giving it to her, her heart beating wildly in her chest the entire time. Kady leaning forward, about to ask her something, tell her something, and Penny interrupting. Telling Kady she was going out with Penny, and Kady abruptly leaving. Breaking up with Penny, and crying… and not knowing why._

_She knew why. She fucking knew. Why Penny hadn’t felt right. Why, when James had suggested they take a break, she’d said they should just end it all, and a weight had lifted off her shoulders. Why, when her lips had slid against Kady’s, when she’d felt her skin beneath her own fingertips, a remarkable clarity had struck through her mind and she was stripped bare in a way she had never felt before._

_Her heart had a Kady-shaped indentation in it, and last night, she’d finally felt whole for the first time in her life. It had been inevitable, Kady falling into her._

_And she’d let herself doubt it. Kady had bared all to Julia, and Julia had responded with confusion and regret._

_What the fuck had she done?_

_Fresh tears welled up in her eyes, and she looked between Eliot and Quentin. “Oh, shit,” she breathed._

_“Yep, there it is,” Eliot said._

_Quentin smiled and reached over to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “She loves you, Jules. Just go get her!”_

_“I- I don’t know how to go get her? How do you win back a girl that you’ve really hurt?”_

_Quentin and Eliot looked at each other. “Well,” Eliot began. “With a guy I’d just go down on him. Or let him fuck me.”_

_“Really?” Quentin bristled. “That’s your advice here?”_

_Eliot laid a hand on Quentin’s knee. “I didn’t say that was my advice. Clearly Kady requires a different touch.”_

_Quentin rolled his eyes, looked back at Julia. She was still processing the fact that she was in love—with a girl—one of her best friends—that she’d slept with the night before—who she then rejected—and now had to win back._

_She could do this._

_She was Julia fucking Wicker. She could do anything._

_Sometimes she just needed a little bit of help._

_She looked at Quentin, to Eliot, and back again. Then she jumped up, threw open the door, and yelled, “Margo!”_

_\--_

_Hours and one portal to NYC later, Julia stood in Margo’s bedroom, a handful of shopping bags at her feet. Margo shoved a pair of red heels into Julia’s hands. “They’ll make your legs look amazing,”_

_Julia’s eyes had widened as she took in the tall, skinny heels. “Margo, I don’t—”_

_“Trust me,” Margo said, in that tone that left no room for argument. “Between that dress,” she pointed at the bag at Julia’s feet, “and these shoes, she won’t know what fucking hit her.”_

_Julia had looked to Quentin and Eliot, who were sitting on Margo’s bed, eating from a bag of cheesy poofs. Quentin shrugged as Eliot nodded solemnly._

_“Ok,” Julia sighed. “Tomorrow night?”_

_“Tomorrow night,” Margo said. “We’ll have the place lit up, and I’ll make sure she’s here.”_

_\--_

Now

“That... _that_ is what it’s supposed to feel like,” Julia says.

Kady huffs out a breath, crossing her arms. “Julia, you… you can’t just show up in…” Kady’s eyes drift down Julia’s frame, and she swallows hard, “ _that_ dress, looking like _that_ , saying cryptic shit and just expecting me to, I don’t know, pretend like nothing ever happened. I don’t work that way.”

“I love you,” Julia said quickly, getting straight to the point. Kady’s eyes widened, and her mouth dropped open. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for just… being an idiot. For not knowing… myself enough to realize what I was feeling. I’ve never… I’ve never been with someone like you. Not just with a woman, even though that’s true.” Julia feels her nerves start to give, and she looks down at her hands, and back up at Kady. “I’ve always been very certain about where I’m going in life. Columbia, James, Yale… and then Brakebills happened. _You_ happened. It was a lot, and I panicked. I wasn’t ready. But I am now. I’m so sorry.”

She pauses and looks at Kady. She suddenly feels very tiny, in her bare feet, short tight dress, in the backyard of the cottage, with students milling around behind them. Her entire world has suddenly come down to this moment, where one person could break her with a word. Kady has the power to snap her in half. 

Kady takes a step forward, her arms still crossed in front of her chest. “I love you, Julia. You’re my best friend, but that’s not how I love you.” Julia sees tears shining in her eyes, and her gut twists as she takes a small step closer to Kady. “I can’t be another rebound for you. An experiment. I just can’t.”

“You’re not, Kady. You’re fucking not. You are the real fucking deal for me. You say my name and... everything just stops. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. I don’t want you like a best friend. Last night… last night was so fucking incredible. I’ve never… it’s never been like that. With anyone.” Julia took another step closer, Kady just an arms length away now. A tear spilled down Kady’s cheek, and Julia reached up to wipe it away. Kady turned her face into Julia’s palm, and Julia took another small step forward, her heart soaring.

“You wanna know the truth?” Julia whispered, bringing her other hand up to Kady’s face.

Kady nodded, her hands coming up to circle Julia’s wrists.

“The truth is I am so fucking in love with you,” Julia whispered, her face inches away from Kady’s. “The truth is I only bought this dress so you could take it off.”

Then she surges up on her toes, and presses her lips to Kady’s. Kady immediately kisses her back, hard, pressing her body against Julia’s, her hands slipping from Julia’s wrists to wrap around her waist, pulling her as close as possible.

Julia tilts her head, opening to Kady, a muffled groan escaping her lips as she slides her hands back into Kady’s hair. Kissing Kady is just as she remembered it—fierce, decadent, grounding, and so fucking inevitable. She is on fire from within, a scorching savagery rushing through her veins, coalescing at her heart, which is beatingbeatingbeating so intently it may explode.

She’s been searching for this, even if she didn’t really know it. And now that she has it, she’s never letting it go.

Inevitably, she does have to breathe, and she pulls back from Kady, burying her head in her neck and hugging the fuck out of her. Kady is squeezing her just as hard, and Julia can feel tears falling on her shoulder, and down her own face.

After a moment she dimly recognizes whoops and cheers behind her. She recognizes Quentin’s wolf whistle, and she starts laughing into Kady’s hair. “Fuck,” she says.

“We have an audience,” Kady says, sniffling. Julia pulls a few inches away, enough to turn and see Quention, Eliot, Margo, Alice… and a large percentage of the physical kids standing on the patio, cheering and applauding.

“Fuck off,” Kady yells at them, and then she captures Julia’s lips in a much raunchier kiss that shoots straight to Julia’s cunt. She feels a rush of wetness between her legs and _fuck_ this dress just has no room to breathe. She wiggles against Kady, giving as good as she’s getting, until Kady pulls away, gasping for breath. Julia looks up at her, a little stunned, blinking at her from under her lashes.

“Come on,” Kady whispers, wrapping an arm around her waist and walking her back to the cottage. “I’m going to make sure you get your money’s worth out of that dress.”

Julia smiles up at her, pushing up and dropping a kiss on her neck, almost stumbling over her own feet. Kady helps hold her up, and they giggle as they approach the cottage. As they wade through the crowd, she sees Quentin and Eliot’s pleased smiles as they pass them. As Kady pulls Julia through the door into the kitchen, Julia hears a familiar voice yelling behind her.

“Hey! You can’t just _leave_ shoes that expensive on the ground, Julia!”

THE END


End file.
